It's a holiday, so my mother is on the warpath. My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder, which is sort of like BiPolar without the highs & it gets worse around any holiday. Christmas last longer and brings more nastiness, mood swings, demands & general crabbiness. She revs up the "Bah Humbug" as far as it will go. She's always been like this, only worsening as she ages.
My sister & I don't have warm holiday memories. We didn't bake cookies, didn't have company or go to parties, no visiting relatives, no church services, no normal Christmas activities.When carolers came by the house, we had to play nobody home, because my mom said they expected to come in & receive money. I still don't know if that's true or not. We were always poor, so the presents were few & not extravagant, never a bike or Barbie doll. Even putting up the tree led to huge arguments, my mother running out of patience & throwing the ornaments & decorations across the room, often breaking them beyond repair. Christmas Day was more fights between my mom & stepfather and tense silences afterwards. This went on year after year. Her own Depression era childhood left her with memories of family gatherings & special foods. Her adult holidays can't compare & she resents that. My sister & I don't even have happy childhood memories to look back on.She never made any.
I like Christmas; the music, the decorations, the original Bible story.I start playing Christmas songs right after Thanksgiving, go to craft shows, spend several days putting up the tree & trimmings. Seeing decorations on houses when I'm out makes me smile. I watch some childrens' specials, Rudolph & the like. I really get into the season.
But it's like swimming upstream against the gloom of my mother's moods. Coming home after the festivity of a craft show to her screaming because I didn't get something at the store she forgot to tell me about. With her emphysema & vertigo, it's difficult for her to get out & do things,so I'm the one doing all her gift shopping as well as my own, the errands, library visits, multiple grocery shopping & post office trips. And though I would never expect thanks, I would like her to stop griping now & then and to cut down on the nasty remarks.
A well-meaning friend told me that I would miss all of this when my mom is gone, but I find that hard to believe. Why would I miss someone belittling me, calling me a liar and routinely screaming & throwing things at me? Since she's been like this all my life, I have no warm fuzzy childhood recollections to make up for her current behavior. It's endless situations that make me wince.
An acquaintance told me of her niece who is 30 yrs. old & has just been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. She has 2 kids, 6 & 12 and I wonder if this will be their last Christmas with their mom. I can't imagine how painful it must be for that family at this time and I hope the kids will have some happy memories in years to come. When I think of that mother & compare her to the years of dark bitterness that my mom has spent her life in, it feels wasteful.
The moral of the story is: put a little effort into being decent & kind to the people around you. Don't take them for granted and make them feel appreciated once in awhile.
